A rainbow full of jumping spotted creatures sing out to me with a chorus of chirps. The delicate little beings cautiously advance in my direction. These tiny springing bundles of vibrancy are poison dart frogs. The wise words of my trainer echo in my mind and I know that I want to be the quick kind of person on the battlefield, not the dead kind. I spot a camera on a nearby tree and feel an eerie connection to the world outside these games – a thousand pair of eyes glued to every view screen eagerly lean in closer to get a better view of the show. Also with them, I see my mom and dad, sick with fear at sights they can’t watch but can’t turn away from.
A shout of terror followed by a thud gives death another name on his attendance sheet from this race of horrors. I don’t want to be next and instinct arouses my need to endure the pain of cutting through this steamy stew of the arena. I press down the damp, musty earth of the forest floor with the nearly worn-out tread of my week old boots. This stifling humidity has my lungs gasping for air. Nothing seems real as panic sinks its cool teeth into my scorching skin, and a haze clouds my vision; it dilutes the reality of my demise while threatening to take me into darkness. Wishing I had an internal guide, I speed forward on my quest to live. Perfection peeks out from behind heavy vines and shows itself to me in the form of a crystal clear stream; this has to save me.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I dive for the water and prepare to forcefully kick across in record time. Coolness kisses my skin with its flawless flowing glory. I push one stroke through the glimmering water and just as I break the surface of the pristine purity to catch a breath, a webbed foot pad lands softly on the back of my neck. The haze closes in, making my world collapse into darkness.
I really loved how you described the dying, “A shout of terror followed by a thud gives death another name on his attendance sheet from this race of horrors.” There was a lot of figurative language that really made the story come alive, I also liked how you quoted Mr. Iaia:) I would have liked for you to describe what you were feeling on the inside a little bit more. Other than that, I think you are a really good writer and I can’t wait to read more.
Great job! You really brought your writing to life and you had some really good word choices. I liked your figurative language describing your emotions and the frogs throughout the piece. There really isn’t anything that I can criticize with this since you pretty much hit every point. One little thing is that you could add in a little bit more about the setting, but that is pretty much it. I also noticed how your ‘trainer’ quote was something Mr. Iaia says (“The wise words of my trainer echo in my mind and I know that I want to be the quick kind of person on the battlefield, not the dead kind”) and it caught my attention in a good way. I look forward to seeing more of your writing in the future! 🙂
This was a great and intriguing writing piece, and I really enjoyed reading it. However, “A shout of terror followed by a thud gives death another name on his attendance sheet from this race of horrors. I don’t want to be next and instinct arouses my need to endure the pain of cutting through this steamy stew of the arena. I press down the damp, musty earth of the forest floor with the nearly worn-out tread of my week old boots. This stifling humidity has my lungs gasping for air. Nothing seems real as panic sinks its cool teeth into my scorching skin, and a haze clouds my vision; it dilutes the reality of my demise while threatening to take me into darkness. Wishing I had an internal guide, I speed forward on my quest to live. Perfection peeks out from behind heavy vines and shows itself to me in the form of a crystal clear stream; this has to save me.” while it was very well written and I enjoyed the figurative writing in it, I did not understand what was going on meanwhile, and it was just confusing to me.
But other than that, you are an amazing writer! Great Job!